The Following Is a True Story - I hope that by sharing this, some will also be inspired to make positive change:
I
have a different religion than most. I believe there is a Creator, and
though I refer to it as Grandfather, it is neutral - dual creation.
This religion requires one to appeal to Grandfather and the Spirits for
guidance in times of trouble. I had gotten so far away from the Red Path
these last few years that I tried to shut it down; there is something
to belief in a higher power. I think about how I found myself in places
that brought about unforgettable experiences with people that are still a
part of me. I see how they will cause things to come - some things are
more than coincidence.
There is no such thing as rock bottom. There is always another low and things can always get worse. Madness is an abyss. The real issue here is to what extent low becomes to a person to where s/he is forced to decide to drop the weights, swim for oxygen and fight for survival, or embrace the burden, sink and drown. Life and death are sometimes personal decisions. Every now and then, however, the oxygen supply never runs out. It seems as though some of us are born with gills. We try to drown but we keep on sinking.
The life path is sometimes about other paths we need to cross or how we influence the outcome of this matrix. Whether big or small, there are things we need to do in life. We are stuck until we accomplish that purpose, whether we want to be here or not. I tried several times the last five years to check out - more than I admitted to psychiatrist or loved ones. I hit several lows but managed to swim for air. Sometimes it seemed like I had no choice.
The last year and a half, however, were easily the worst of my life, yet, surprisingly brought a couple of the best moments with people that are now a part of me. But there was so much confusion - I found myself homeless sleeping in shelters and on the streets, hospitalized in psych wards, 51.50'd and 52.50'd, using Meth and Heroin, having nervous breakdowns, and failing in my attempts to check out. I thought about how my friends and people from back in the day would see me, how they would judge me. I thought about the weights and burdens I carry, how they made my spirit weak. My two best friends that passed young - one who was murdered in front of his pad, and the other who died of a flu just as it seemed his life turned for better. My father who chose to drink himself to death instead of putting down the bottle and having a relationship with his three sons. Everything I tried to do and failed badly, every woman I loved who rejected me. I thought about all this.
I tried to embrace the weight and drown but found myself breathing as I sank and sank. Not coincidentally I ran into a Navajo one day as I went to the dope spot to score some Black. As we talked I mentioned that I had gotten away from my circle and wanted to find my way back. I explained that I needed uwepi to help me heal, but that I was having a hard time reconnecting with my circle. I had turned away from Creator and my circle for atheism, but my spirit had become really sick. He explained that an Indian doesn't need a circle to find his way back to the Red Path. An Indian needs to get back on the horse, confront personal demons and stay close to Grandfather. Always put your life in the hands of Grandfather, he explained.
The next two weeks were somewhat strange. I planned a couple of times how I would check out, but then received texts out of nowhere from that Native American both times, encouraging me to confront my demons and put my life in the hands of Creator. Somehow, I found myself in a house where I was by myself and thought about how nothing in my life had worked and decided I had enough - I was ready to leave. I called a couple of people to say goodbye and opened up my veins. I prayed to Creator and the Spirits to see me to the other side. Creator responded.
My veins kept clogging rapidly. I got phone calls from people far away I that I didn't tell. I sat in the shower waiting to pass out, bleeding. Then the police came. I was taken to the hospital and kept for a week.
I talked to my best friend and she was hurt by my decision and couldn't understand why I would do that to her - she was going through some things herself and didn't need that as well. I got a visit from my brother who had just himself come out of hard places. He told me some things I needed to hear. I then questioned why I was still alive during my hold, but realized Creator wasn't ready to release me from my obligations on this earth during my time here. I wasn't allowed.
The day I was released I was calm and unsure of what would come but things just fell into place. I was given a bus pass that got me as far as one destination, but didn't have the fare to get to my mother. At that station I was trying to figure it out; I used the restroom and when I came out I was standing in front of a smiling cousin. We were going the same way to see our mothers. I needed fare, which he was happy to give, he needed a loving friend - his mother was sick. I got to my mother's just as she and my sister pulled up. I stayed the night with family. Some things are more than coincidence.
The next day I went with my other brother and the aforementioned cousin and sister hiking in the canyons. I caught myself walking ahead and praying quietly as I picked sage on the trail. I felt a peace I hadn't felt before. Creator and the Spirits were smiling upon me. That was two weeks ago. I caught myself this last week falling back into darkness, feeling myself sinking as I was uncertain of what was to come. I had a disagreement with my best friend and later felt bad for not helping her with her issues after she had helped me with mine. I burned some sage and asked for help from Creator. The answer that I felt came with a feeling of inspiration from words a friend from college gave me not long ago - take ownership of what you have to offer; I had helped many people along the way. One of my strengths is my undying love for others - even though I could not love myself, I would stop at nothing to help those I love. I was so blinded by my failures in life and my shortcomings that I was not focused on my successes and strengths. That is why I hated myself - that is why I felt worthless.
I have been praying these past few days and will try to do it everyday. Sometimes, if you try to rescue a drowning person, you will drown with them. I am one of the few people that was blessed with gills, and I have sank to the depths that others sink towards. True, there are others that have been deeper in the abyss than I have been, but they are also blessed with the ability to help those that are drowning. More so than I. There may come a time, after I have accomplished what I was put here to do, where I will have a bad day and shut it down and Grandfather will allow me to cross over. With my two mental illnesses (which I will not say what they are), this is very possible. But in the meantime I now know that there is something to a higher power. There are many forms of them, and I encourage those without one to seek one and put their lives into whatever it may be. We are all different and we all believe different. All religions work.
Tlazokomate!
Aho!
#nativeamerican #addictionrecovery #addiction #schitzoaffective #bipolardisorder #suicidal #redemption #higherpower #religion #creator #manicdepression #inspiraton #love #mooddisorder #meth #heroin #helpingothers #rockbottom #worthlessness #spirituality #guidance #selfworth #selflove #selfesteem #selfhelp #god #prose #madness #selfhatred #drugs #drugabuse #51.50
There is no such thing as rock bottom. There is always another low and things can always get worse. Madness is an abyss. The real issue here is to what extent low becomes to a person to where s/he is forced to decide to drop the weights, swim for oxygen and fight for survival, or embrace the burden, sink and drown. Life and death are sometimes personal decisions. Every now and then, however, the oxygen supply never runs out. It seems as though some of us are born with gills. We try to drown but we keep on sinking.
The life path is sometimes about other paths we need to cross or how we influence the outcome of this matrix. Whether big or small, there are things we need to do in life. We are stuck until we accomplish that purpose, whether we want to be here or not. I tried several times the last five years to check out - more than I admitted to psychiatrist or loved ones. I hit several lows but managed to swim for air. Sometimes it seemed like I had no choice.
The last year and a half, however, were easily the worst of my life, yet, surprisingly brought a couple of the best moments with people that are now a part of me. But there was so much confusion - I found myself homeless sleeping in shelters and on the streets, hospitalized in psych wards, 51.50'd and 52.50'd, using Meth and Heroin, having nervous breakdowns, and failing in my attempts to check out. I thought about how my friends and people from back in the day would see me, how they would judge me. I thought about the weights and burdens I carry, how they made my spirit weak. My two best friends that passed young - one who was murdered in front of his pad, and the other who died of a flu just as it seemed his life turned for better. My father who chose to drink himself to death instead of putting down the bottle and having a relationship with his three sons. Everything I tried to do and failed badly, every woman I loved who rejected me. I thought about all this.
I tried to embrace the weight and drown but found myself breathing as I sank and sank. Not coincidentally I ran into a Navajo one day as I went to the dope spot to score some Black. As we talked I mentioned that I had gotten away from my circle and wanted to find my way back. I explained that I needed uwepi to help me heal, but that I was having a hard time reconnecting with my circle. I had turned away from Creator and my circle for atheism, but my spirit had become really sick. He explained that an Indian doesn't need a circle to find his way back to the Red Path. An Indian needs to get back on the horse, confront personal demons and stay close to Grandfather. Always put your life in the hands of Grandfather, he explained.
The next two weeks were somewhat strange. I planned a couple of times how I would check out, but then received texts out of nowhere from that Native American both times, encouraging me to confront my demons and put my life in the hands of Creator. Somehow, I found myself in a house where I was by myself and thought about how nothing in my life had worked and decided I had enough - I was ready to leave. I called a couple of people to say goodbye and opened up my veins. I prayed to Creator and the Spirits to see me to the other side. Creator responded.
My veins kept clogging rapidly. I got phone calls from people far away I that I didn't tell. I sat in the shower waiting to pass out, bleeding. Then the police came. I was taken to the hospital and kept for a week.
I talked to my best friend and she was hurt by my decision and couldn't understand why I would do that to her - she was going through some things herself and didn't need that as well. I got a visit from my brother who had just himself come out of hard places. He told me some things I needed to hear. I then questioned why I was still alive during my hold, but realized Creator wasn't ready to release me from my obligations on this earth during my time here. I wasn't allowed.
The day I was released I was calm and unsure of what would come but things just fell into place. I was given a bus pass that got me as far as one destination, but didn't have the fare to get to my mother. At that station I was trying to figure it out; I used the restroom and when I came out I was standing in front of a smiling cousin. We were going the same way to see our mothers. I needed fare, which he was happy to give, he needed a loving friend - his mother was sick. I got to my mother's just as she and my sister pulled up. I stayed the night with family. Some things are more than coincidence.
The next day I went with my other brother and the aforementioned cousin and sister hiking in the canyons. I caught myself walking ahead and praying quietly as I picked sage on the trail. I felt a peace I hadn't felt before. Creator and the Spirits were smiling upon me. That was two weeks ago. I caught myself this last week falling back into darkness, feeling myself sinking as I was uncertain of what was to come. I had a disagreement with my best friend and later felt bad for not helping her with her issues after she had helped me with mine. I burned some sage and asked for help from Creator. The answer that I felt came with a feeling of inspiration from words a friend from college gave me not long ago - take ownership of what you have to offer; I had helped many people along the way. One of my strengths is my undying love for others - even though I could not love myself, I would stop at nothing to help those I love. I was so blinded by my failures in life and my shortcomings that I was not focused on my successes and strengths. That is why I hated myself - that is why I felt worthless.
I have been praying these past few days and will try to do it everyday. Sometimes, if you try to rescue a drowning person, you will drown with them. I am one of the few people that was blessed with gills, and I have sank to the depths that others sink towards. True, there are others that have been deeper in the abyss than I have been, but they are also blessed with the ability to help those that are drowning. More so than I. There may come a time, after I have accomplished what I was put here to do, where I will have a bad day and shut it down and Grandfather will allow me to cross over. With my two mental illnesses (which I will not say what they are), this is very possible. But in the meantime I now know that there is something to a higher power. There are many forms of them, and I encourage those without one to seek one and put their lives into whatever it may be. We are all different and we all believe different. All religions work.
Tlazokomate!
Aho!
#nativeamerican #addictionrecovery #addiction #schitzoaffective #bipolardisorder #suicidal #redemption #higherpower #religion #creator #manicdepression #inspiraton #love #mooddisorder #meth #heroin #helpingothers #rockbottom #worthlessness #spirituality #guidance #selfworth #selflove #selfesteem #selfhelp #god #prose #madness #selfhatred #drugs #drugabuse #51.50
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